Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize