What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I seem to have left my pride at pride
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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