My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
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