i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
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