I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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