I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
