It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Everclear isn't food dammit
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
