So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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