Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
