well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
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