i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
This beer is not sobering me up at all
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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