this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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