it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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