honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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