He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
