When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
Yeah, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I tried not to clench and things went pretty smoothly.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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