I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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