I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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