If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Randomize
