I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
We left an ass print on the piano.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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