I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Randomize
