Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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