she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
