i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
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