I think i sorta joined a cult last night
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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