Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
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