I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Randomize
