we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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