Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
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