In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Randomize
