I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
