The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
