i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
