I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
