I think im going to throw up on grandma
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
