Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
