oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Randomize