chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
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