you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
I love having hate sex.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
