Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Randomize
