I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Randomize