were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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