just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Randomize
