don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
