New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize