just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
