me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
