goodnight i made you a song goodbye
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Randomize
