and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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