For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Randomize
