Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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