I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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