I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Your penis caused this!
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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