We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
he asked if thats how we do it in the states..like there's cultural difference in fucking between canada and the us..
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Randomize