He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
Randomize
