Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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