I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I dont need to watch it. And stop comparing your life to Entourage.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
