Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
