That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
