Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
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