I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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