Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
