I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
