I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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