Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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