She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Randomize
