When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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