so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Randomize
