"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
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