Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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