Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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