Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
The uberlube is also flammable
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
